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| I miss you. Do you still read my blogs? I doubt it. If you care I have a tumblr now too. Sorry if there are repeat posts, I figured basically no one would ever read both. But you, you might. Hell, I wish you would. It would give me faith that someone still cares. That love is real. Really real. It's hard to explain, you know? I pretty sure you know the mood I'm in. It's that sort of empty feeling I have after having completely pointless interactions with others. I feel so void of progress. I feel like I'm in reverse. I wish I could get on track, but everything seems to have lost its meaning. It feels like I'm just floating along. I hope I can pick up my shit in school, because if not my future will suffer. But what's my future without love? | | |
| These next few weeks are the coldest of the year, and in my world, that also means the most depressing. It's not just the bitter, painful cold or the slippery ice and wet snow, it's the isolation. The distance between everything while it's covered in white. It seems that everything is farther apart, even people. There are no connections, no fun. This is why I hate winter so much. I feel so alone. I long, now more than ever, for someone to spend my nights and days with. Naomi got me through it last year, but I am going to have to go it alone this year. I have my sisters and friends to spend time with, and the days are filled with classwork anyway. Some nights I have people to spend time with, and that should help until this season is over. I just hope this sickness goes away for good soon. I finally feel like it is improving. I didn't wake up last night coughing at all. Maybe my body is just getting used to this feeling inside, this heaviness in my lungs. I hope that isn't the case.
Other than the weather and my health, things are going well. Classes and sorority business is all in order. I am going to start using Google Docs again to record my homework assignments. Especially starting this week because I have lab and it is surely going to complicate things. | | |
| I have started the semester. So far I love it. I love the classes I'm in and I think programming is really the thing for me. I think I will do great. I'm so excited. I know I'm going to love Discrete Structures because it seems to have a lot of elements from Intro to Logic, which I really enjoyed last semester. My circuits teacher is a nerd, but he is so funny. He's down to earth. Mr. Ledgard doesn't seem as bad as people say, at least he's well organized so far. But I guess it's his exams that get you. I'm not very excited for that. I hope I can do well. Differential Equations is going to be a breeze. I have been doing a lot with Phi Rho too. It makes me really happy. I have been hanging out with my little Sam a lot and it's awesome. I don't want Katie to feel left out because I have been hanging around Sam so much, but I don't know what to do. The positions I'm holding in the sorority this semester though are great. I feel productive again, just as Desi suggested I would. :] | | |
| It's 4am. Will I ever stop feigning for that perfect person? that perfect combination? It tends to leave me feeling unworthy. I just want someone who treats me like you did. But for some reason, when I had you I was unsatisfied. I was mislead through lust. I am such a sexual creature, it doesn't surprise me. As I am sure it doesn't surprise you either. You understand my needs. You understand everything. You just understand me. But I pushed you away, forced you away in hope of something more, something with more feeling, more passion. I have found that feeling, that passion, but it is so devoid of consistency, commitment, stability. All of the things you just are. The things you just represent. They emanate from you. They are so simple for you. But passion? I don't even think that exists in you.
Maybe I should give the middle field a try? Maybe someone I feel comfortable around. Someone intellectual, focused, but social as well. Hm. | | |
| It's funny how I can focus on a feeling and it intensifies. I'll give you credit, Shawn, you definitely know what you're doing. It's sad that you can't use your powers for good, heh. They would make any woman happy to be yours. I think the good side of your powers is something different though. It's an attitude. Sometimes when I'm around Tommy or Riley I just feel so good, so enriched. I think it's just their personalities. You're the exact opposite, and I'm sure that's intentional on your part. Actually, I remember when you were the good feeling. You were insanely intense. It was amazing. I think I need someone more level than you though. For what you feel with the high, you must also feel with the low. I think that's why I feel a slow ache with Naomi. When she was here it was sort of a bland happiness. I felt level, safe. It was good, but it wasn't mind blowing or amazing or anything outrageous. Although, that is not necessarily a bad thing, I want something with a little more kick than that. I want a relationship with the ups and downs. I just don't want them to be on a daily or hourly basis. I also don't want them to be so intense I forget who I am. I want something in between, and I think when I find that I will hold on to it for a long time. Or at least until I forget this post, forget how much I should cherish that middle road. I know it will bore me. It's sad really, that I am so fickle and discontented. I think I will even out a bit when I'm older. Hopefully I will find someone who I can settle down with, who wants to settle down with me. | | |
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